has it really been that long since i last wrote? well lets catch up, for starters my season pretty much finished in august, a bit early really....i had a road race planned but as i had to have some jabs for work a few days before, the race got scrubbed from my plans, i was told the jabs would make me feel a bit tired for a day or two.......try rough as a dog for a week and you would be closer to the truth, so the road race went out the window.......along with all my enthusiasm, and so ensued a lot of eating junk with no exercise since then, not helped by work being all over the place, i have been on course after course which has thrown all routine out as i have been away from home alot, only now am i starting to re discover physical activity......mind you sying that, i am doing sod all today as i have been stuck doing diy stuff, this is a constant threat during the season but only properly rears its ugly head in the off season! training slackens off so it appears that i have more time on my hand so a "project " then ensues, i cannot tell you how much i detest middle englands love of diy.....if this is what i have to look forward to as i grow older.....i went to get some more paint at b&q as in true diy fashion i was about to run out with about 2sqm left to paint, the rage began as i sat waiting to get into the car park.....i had to queue to get into somewhere i did not want to be ! as i walked through the doors and into the sterile artificial lighted tomb that is the store i was imediately surrounded by the sound of crap piped music, no doubt picked by some sort of retail phsycologist to increase good feeling and make us buy more stuff, we can see throught it you know ! well i say that, but i did stand there thinking about how useful a self sealing paint brush washing device would be........in fact ill just wash em in the sink like i have always done, so i moved on and found my paint, a brush (to replace my broken one....dont ask) and a new paint tray....again dont ask, all in about three minutes, after clearing the "do you want a priviledge card" gauntlet of screaming children covered check out area i left the building, fought my way past the charity muggers and join the rac here stands to find some cock had left their trolley agaisnt my car, i got back home feeling uneasy, and as i finished my 4th coat on the new plaster ceiling i realised......i am clinging onto riding as my last form of sanity to keep me away from the mundainity of every day life, i suffer this every year, and i just scrape through the winter with enough enthusiasm to train again, one day this might not happen ,and as i sit here in the off season lull, i wonder if this might be the year that i do finally chuck it in, i should be racing for the love of it, not just because i cant think of anything else to do....i have felt like this for the about the last 4 or 5 winters and somehow i carry on with all the training i need to do to be at the sharp end of the races i choose, maybe i do suffer from SAD, perhaps the key to make it through this winter will be to find a training group, most ....nearly all of my training is done alone you see, i feel it makes my mind strong enough to cope with the long events, but in the depths of winter maybe i should allow some human contact, this is gonna turn into a lonely hearts ad in a minute ! i recently thought about doing the soggy bottom series to keep my pecker up.....so to speak, but wouldnt ya know it....i am on duty for all of em, i may get some good time to train but its no good if i am working on all the race weekends, god i am gonna stop writing now.....this is deppressing me, i need another adventure, must get searching, but i will need to check in with gordon brown first as we cant get time off in the fire service at the mo cos we are short of bums on seats......and to save money i think they aim to keep it that way ! let it go sam..........some good stuff though.....i went to a half ironman event in the new forest recently...as support crew for my wife, it was a bit of an eye opener to watch someone else go through the pre race nerves, to watch them worry about the strange items that really dont matter on race day, to panic about what kit to use and how to lay out a transition area, to carry out tasks five times to be totally sure that everything is in place.....i could see all the things i do and it made me aware that people can lose a lot of energy and strength before an event by worrying without any real cause....i learnt alot from this and will try to remember when its my turn to prepare, in the race she was amazing, she has done the minimum amount of training because she does all the real life stuff i hate doing as well as working full time, so to see her come out of the swim still smiling was fantastic, she rode really strong and dealt with all the pain and self doubt during the half marathon at the end when its just so easy to think i will just rest and walk for a bit, she wanted to beat six and a half hours.....she finshed in six hours thirty mins and twelve seconds ! so close ! i was so in awe of her at that point, she had seen the job through and finished because she wanted too and that was the victory, another lesson leaned for me there......i only consider that i have had a good race if i finish high up in the results, the experience of the event just passes me by and that seems a tragedy, maybe its a pressure that i put on myself for being sponsored, whatever it is that is driving me on, its making me miss any emotional engagement in the actual event, there are people out there training just as hard in all the same weather as me, they are loving what they do, when i think of them i feel like a bit of a fraud.....like i am in it just to finish near the front and if i cant then it feels like a bad day, its not possible to finish near the front without all of the other competitors making the effort to get out there and have a go, i just want them to know that they probably go home having had a better and more fun time than i have........indeed watching my wife race has taught me a lot this year, she is my new heroine......not that i consume a lot of old heroine you understand, so i need one of my goals to be to re discover the enjoyment that got me into racing in the first place, and for once i dont have a clue where to start ! i will talk to dani.....she always knows.......or so she keeps telling me !